It was a Friday morning.
Winter’s cool had not yet left the valley. The sunshine shone its light through our living room windows to keep my family warm and cheery.
Michael was alone reading his Bible as I got ready for the day.
Huck was up and roaming the house as usual. He had slipped away from my feet when I wasn’t paying attention. (I like to try and give Mike some time alone first thing in the mornings.)
Overhearing Huck’s yearning to sit in his daddy’s lap, I could hear Michael begin to read aloud a passage of Scripture that God placed on Mike’s heart to read.
About a week prior, we had just discovered I was pregnant! My mind was full of so many thoughts; my heart full of emotions.
Where would baby’s crib go? I wonder if baby will be born on Thanksgiving! How am I going to continue working full time and take care of two children? I can’t wait to give Huck a little sibling.
My Joy.
Trying to prepare myself and Huck’s backpack for our family outing, I turned the corner to hear these verses read aloud:
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4. Little did we know that in the Lord’s providence, these verses would be repeated in my mind for days to come.
As Mike and I reflected on our drive into town, we thanked God for all that He has provided for our family over the last year.
From a traumatic birthing experience with Huck, a life-threatening postpartum hemorrhage that nearly left Michael a widower, multiple MRIs for both Huck and me, surgery, and dealing with the emotional and mental effects of receiving discouraging news of family matters, God helped us to persevere throughout the course of those tough times.
We might not’ve found joy immediately in those difficult circumstances, but God in his kindness gave us joy and peace that surpassed all understanding.
It Happened.
About an hour into our visit with family, I felt the need to use the bathroom. My stomach sank as the contents of my uterus emptied into the toilet bowl.
I was having a miscarriage.
What was once a home to one was now an unoccupied space, void of life.
One moment I was in constant delight over the sweet baby growing inside of me.
The next moment I was numb to the knowledge that my child was now lost. I was sick, thinking that I would no longer need to make plans for the arrival of Huck’s little brother or sister.
In one room, I could hear Huck crying as he was refusing to fall asleep for a nap. In the other room, I could hear Michael playing pretend with his nephew and nieces.
After collecting myself and flushing the toilet, I walked into the nursery to rock Huck to sleep.
My Loss.
“God,” I prayed, “thank you so much for my sweet little boy you have given me. I don’t understand your ways because they are so much higher than my ways, and your thoughts higher than my thoughts. Thank you for making me a mother. Please give me hope in this trial.”
Overcome with sorrow and feeling utterly defeated by my fleshy disposition, I realized the Scripture God put on our hearts that very morning was exactly what I was going to need as I prepared for this new chapter.
But how in the world was I supposed to consider this miscarriage “pure joy”?
I had not yet experienced those first kisses and embraces I had been practicing with my son. This child would not grow up in this world and experience the miraculous joys that God so freely gives.
Like a written song that will forever go unsung in this life, I could only cling to the truth that God did not abandon me or my unborn child. He didn’t forget the lyrics and decided to throw the composition out entirely.
Through tears, I finished rocking Huck to sleep and laid him down to rest.
My heart was pounding. I couldn’t believe I was experiencing a miscarriage; especially since I had experienced a postpartum hemorrhage a year prior…in the same week!
My Emotions.
I went straight to my husband and sat down next to him as he played with the kids.
Noticing my emotions, Michael turned to me as soon as the room emptied out and asked what was wrong.
I melted into his arms while sharing the news. I could feel Mike’s body become overwhelmed with sadness as he held me close. We were both suffering the loss of a child we had both become excited to welcome.
We finished our visit with family and headed home so I could prepare for the baby shower I was hosting for a friend the very next day.
I had just experienced a miscarriage. What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to act?
It was a quiet evening.
As I hung up the baby onesie garland and balloons for my friend’s little girl who was about to be born, I felt the Holy Spirit impressing on me that keeping busy for distraction’s sake wasn’t His intended work in that moment. Although I had suffered a loss so close to my heart, this baby shower was a reminder of the life and hope that God does give; and has given.
God has so graciously extended his grace and mercy upon my life when I have never deserved it.
My Hope.
When Christ died on a cross for my sins, paying the ransom and cancelling a debt I could never repay, and extending eternal salvation for my soul, I can walk in the hope that I will one day experience a life with a never-ending joy that is only found in Christ. What more could I need?
I had the hope of an eternal life that would satisfy my godly longings. I had friends, family, and a husband who cared deeply for me through this tough time. And there was a sweet boy in my arms whose life was a reminder that God has given life and could one day do it again if he pleased.
My husband and I might not’ve been expecting a child anymore by Thanksgiving, but my soul was not lacking in anything.
I don’t look back with any guilt or anger.
I don’t point my fingers at God telling him he would’ve received more glory had this baby lived.
Looking on with anticipation of God’s faithfulness enduring to the end, I’m watching for the day when all, even the child God purposefully delivered from my womb, will bow down in reverence to the King who has delivered his children from the depths of eternal despair.
My miscarriage wasn’t for nothing.
My miscarriage was in the hands of God who would deliver my child into eternal life.
