To Preface
I recently spoke at a women’s conference and had the honor of speaking about being a godly wife. I felt very unqualified to even be standing up there that day because I haven’t been married for too long, and I definitely haven’t hit peak wife material.
Very genuinely, and humbly, I wanted to encourage the married ladies in the room to persevere in this race the Lord has set before them. I absolutely LOVE being married and I hope that my very few years of marriage was enough for them as a reminder of God’s faithfulness in their own marriages and his continued work in their hearts as we all seek to BECOME more like Jesus.
So here are my notes that I’d like to share today.
The Design
Genesis 1:1 says, “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.”
Just this verse alone tells us there is a God and he has authority over us. So whatever he says from now on, goes.
To summarize the very beginning of Genesis, God created man and woman in his own image. We see that man was created first to have authority and leadership, and woman was created second as a corresponding helper.
Equal in value but different in role.
God told Adam, the first man, not to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. These expectations were communicated to his wife, Eve, after she was created, and we come to the first sin.
In Genesis 3, we see that Eve went around Adam’s authority by stepping outside of God’s protected design and ate the fruit. Regardless of Adam’s part that he played in this scenario and his lack of leadership, Eve still did the wrong thing.
Eve started it.
HOWEVER, the ultimate accountability landed on Adam when God addressed the disobedience to him first. He carried the weight of his family.
God’s word shows us that the husband will be held accountable before God according to what he was called to do for his wife and family. According to Ephesians 5, the husband is to represent Christ in the way that Christ gave himself up for the church. It should be one of a wife’s highest concerns to love her husband, respect her husband, and submit to her husband’s leadership so that one day the Lord will count her husband as faithful.
The question is, do you want that for your own husband? Do you want to see him succeed in the eyes of God?
Do you want to see him succeed in the eyes of God?
The number one thing that keeps us from being a godly wife, though, is our own sin. Not our husband’s.
Now some of you may be saying, “well you don’t know my husband.” You’re right. I don’t. But I know your God and that your good works are not dependent on what your husband does, but on your obedience to God.
Now I know that no marriage is perfect. And if you find yourself placing the blame on your husband for any problems your marriage faces, I’d like for you to draw a circle. We’re going to make a simple pie chart.
I’d like for you to chart the percentage that you feel your husband is at fault for the problems your marriage sometimes or regularly faces. It could be 10%, it could be 50%, it could be 90%. I don’t care what it is.
Now there will be some remaining space in that pie chart. That represents the percentage you are at fault.
Now I want you to take that 10% or whatever it is, and own 100% of it. Take personal responsibility for your own sin and failures. Take 100% ownership for your part of the problem and focus on the Lord as you focus on being a godly wife.
In a world that says to “put yourself first,” “it’s not you, it’s him,” or “you deserve better,” the Christian woman must make a choice. Will you choose to lay down your own life, or will you choose to lay down your husband’s?
Matthew 7:3-5 explains that the hypocrite needs to take the log out of his own eye before taking out the splinter in his brother’s. This applies to your role as a wife.
A wife is held accountable to God for her thoughts, words, and actions. For those with an unbelieving husband or a husband who is extremely difficult to love, you are not exempt from the call to love, respect, and submit to your husband.
Love
Jesus says in John 13:34 to “Love one another. Just as I have loved you, you are also to love one another.”
Mark 12:31 says “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
Wives, we don’t have to ask the Lord “who is our neighbor” because we can literally look over in the bed to see that our husband is our closest neighbor!
When the world encourages us to ask ourselves, “How can I get love?” a godly wife is asking, “How can I give love?”
Love isn’t a feeling. It’s a choice. It’s action. Love seeks the opportunity to do good because Ephesians 2:10 says we are God’s workmanship, created to do good works! Who better than to practice this than on our very husbands.
So let’s go to 1 Corinthians 13 to see what this looks like.
1 Corinthians 13
Verse 4 says “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant.”
In light of this verse as a wife, we are to be patient with our husbands! And kind. Not cutting him off mid-sentence, or nagging him to get those things done on the honey-do list you made two weeks ago.
Proverbs 21:9 says that’s better for a husband to live on the corner of a roof than to share a house with a nagging wife.
And when it says to not be envious? This is a convicting one for me as a mom with two young children. I would see my husband “get” to leave the house each day for work or go grab coffee with a friend thinking, “why is he getting to go out and I’m stuck here with my two kids? He wasn’t up all night with a crying baby, and he thinks he deserves some time off?”
How selfish I was with that thinking! I was jealous he would get to leave the house, but it became envy when I wanted it instead of him. Putting myself first, thinking I deserved better.
Which brings us to vs. 5. “…or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful[.]”
Selfishness is something that hinders love. Even if your husband seems to be selfish a lot of the time, you are to be unselfish. You don’t have to feel it. You just have to do it.
Philippians 2:3-4 says “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interest of others.”
Is it really in your husband’s best interest for you to care so deeply about yourself that you leave him on empty at the end of the day?
Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less.
And for that record of wrong you’ve been keeping in your back pocket…burn it.
Verse 6: “it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
One thing I would like to note is that it is never loving to ignore recurring sin. In addition to calling it out for what it is, we need to rebuke it when we see our husbands slipping! One of the most loving things we can do for our husbands is to warn them of the entanglement that sin brings. Sin dishonors God. And according to this verse, we are to be excited when truth comes to light!
Forgive when repentance takes place.
Finally, verse 7. “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
Even if nothing is given in return, we are called to love.
Even under difficult circumstances, you can show love to your husband by giving him the benefit of the doubt because God’s grace is sufficient for you.
If I let my heart determine my immediate reactions to difficult or frustrating conversations with my husband, how then does love persevere?
For example, here are some thoughts you may have towards your husband that can be combated with truthful/biblical ways to think:
“I don’t love my husband anymore.” A biblical and correct thought to have is, “I don’t feel love right now, but God will change my feelings as I learn to think and act in a loving way.”
“He’ll never change” should be changed to, “Only God can know whether he’ll ever change or not. I commit to loving him whether I feel like It or not.”
Both of those examples came from Martha Peace’s book, The Excellent Wife. Seriously my favorite book on being a godly wife. She gives several more examples that are extremely helpful. Click the link here to grab your copy.
Sometimes you will have to go against your own feelings in order to love. God will give you supernatural strength to love when you ask.
And if you husband continues to be rude or mean, and you respond in a godly manner, you will be suffering for righteousness sake and God will meet your needs. 1 Peter 3:17 says that it is better to suffer for doing good!
Speaking of doing good, it is good to obey God. Don’t forget that when we actively love our husbands, we are honoring God with the gift of marriage he has given us.
Next up on the series is Respect.
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